Due to mistakes by the hospital, and his bizarre body composition, it's unclear.
PE teacher at Akademi high
Sort of alive(?)
|He's trying to start the first Japanese high school football team.
He still believes he's in Colorado.
Craig is the PE teacher at Akademi high.
Craig is the current P.E. Teacher at Akademi High, and still believes he is in Colorado, just in a nightmare dimension where there are no Football teams. The reason behind this is that he came to Japan because his friends dared him to while he was drunk and or high. When he got to Japan, he stole a couch from a family and crashed in a sewer. However, his house in Colorado was virtually indistinguishable from a sewer so when he awoke he thought he was home. He now believes that all of his friends from Colorado were figments of his imagination (Due to their absence) and says "It wouldnt be the first time."
Craig is also a medical oddity- he has around 23 confirmed concussions and he is still alive. His bizarre body composition has made it so that he could survive the decades of drug abuse and bar fights.
Craig is decently round, and wears a stained orange tracksuit. He has gross blonde and grey hair.
Those who have met Craig have described him as a "douchebag." While he seems to care very little about the children/figments of imagination on his football team, he claims that he only wants to lead them to victory (note: He was drunk when he said this). He claims to have a good relationship with his mother, yet, when asked, he said he doesn't know who his mother is. It's hard to imagine what Craig might've been like before he started using drugs and alcohol, but one thing is for certain: Craig is not a pleasant man while he is sober, or even semi-sober.
Craig has the "Oddity" persona. If he witnesses a murder, he will start screaming, and hide in a shed. he may call the police, but it's unlikely that they will understand him. After a while, he will be convinced that it was a hallucination. If he finds any bodies after this, he will sigh, open a flask, take a swig of alcohol, and continue walking. He may even avoid looking at suspicious activity after this, at least for the rest of the day. If water is poured on him, he will continue on with his day, telling anyone who asks that he's just really sweaty from working out (he doesn't work out). If blood is poured on him, he'll scream and run around, eventually knocking himself unconscious in some way. If someone tries to take a picture of him, he'll just continue walking.
- Please tell us your name.
- Craig. I don't remember the last name.
- When is your birthday?
- Hell if I know.
- Your blood type?
- Do I look like a scientist?
- Please tell us your three sizes?
- (Editor's Note: He seems to have misinterpreted the question. He went on a very long rant about his time in the war - when questioned further, he seemed to have forgotten the rant entirely and denies ever being in a military of any kind.)
- Tell us about your family composition.
- I have a mother, and two sisters. I have a pretty good relationship with my mother. I don't know my father, and I don't have any siblings. I don't know who my mother is. (Editor's Note: He refused to elaborate on his conflicting statements about siblings.)
- What's your occupation?
- I'm the coach at Akademi High School. I'm trying to introduce football into this nightmare-dimension's pseudo Florida, since whatever pulled me out of my reality wasn't kind enough to let me keep football, the only thing I had.
- Your favourite food?
- Whatever I can get away with stealing from the staff fridge. As long as it doesn't have any razor blades in it, I'll eat it.
- Favourite animal?
- Favourite subject?
- Dislike subject?
- Is there a boy/girl you've been thinking about?
- Yeah, that would be the asshole who built my apartment. Dickhead didn't know shit about architecture - he made the only entrance a small hole in the center of a busy street. Shithead.
- Do you enjoy school?
- Fuck no. The teachers are all ex-strippers and a new kid seems to die every week. I hate that place.
- Are you in any school clubs?
- Technically, no, but I say that I'm the sponsor for the football club. The headmaster keeps telling me "Craig, you can't keep making kids skip class to play football. You don't have any authority over them. You're just a gym teacher, football isn't even taught at this school." But he's not my dad, and this is a free country.
- What's your motto?
- "Do your best, until your imaginary girlfriend dies."
- Your special skill?
- I can grill up a mean steak, using only couch stuffing and corn syrup. Doesn't make much of a difference, anyways - I haven't tasted anything in years.
- Tell us about your treasure?
- Its a rock some teenagers threw at me while I was walking home one night. It's a physical reminder that teenagers still consider me relevant enough to assault.
- Describe yourself in a single word?
- Handsome. Scratch that - Beefcake.
- Your forte?
- Don't speak French at me. It's bad enough that everyone in Shadow-Colorado speaks gibberish anyways.
- Your shortcomings?
- None. Absolutely none.
- Places in your memories?
- I'm lucky if I can remember where I set down my drink. What makes you think I know where I've been before the last 4 hours?
- What is your favourite drink?
- Cooking wine.
- How good can you swim?
- Lets just put it this way - the last time I set foot in a pool, I woke up in a hospital full of several confused doctors making preparations for my funeral.
- Your timing in 50-meter race?
- (Editor's note: At the mention of the word "meter," Craig stood up and began yelling slurred insults at me. The most I could make out of it was "What the fuck is a meter in American, dipshit?" He proceeded to leave the room, only to re-enter minutes later, frantic about being late for his interview. He seemed to have no recollection of any questions asked to him.)
- Your hobby or obsession?
- Sometimes I hit my head really hard on the wall and see what colors disappear from my vision as a result.
- Disliked food?
- Razor blades.
- Anything you want most currently?
- To be the coach of Japan's first football team. First, though, I need to find a way out of Nightmare Colorado.
- Afraid of heights?
- No more than I'm afraid of stairs.
- Dislike thunder?
- (Editor's Note: the word "thunder" seemed to elicit a seizure-like response from Craig, lasting no more than 5 minutes each time the word was uttered. The question remains unanswered.)
- Rainy or sunny?
- It mostly depends on which voice is most prominent that day.
- Do you use pencil or mechanical pencil in school?
- I don't even know what order the alphabet comes in, let alone what any of those strange glyphs that everyone uses in Nightmare-Colorado mean.
- What do you eat for breakfast?
- The least alive looking creature I can find on my apartment's floor. Sometimes I cook it, but it gives me more of a kick when I don't.
- Do you believe in ghosts?
- It's easy to blame ghosts for all of our problems, but it takes a real man to monetize it.
- Can you play any musical instruments?
- No. The only thing I know how to play is Bambii for the PS2.
- Are you the outdoor or indoor type?
- Indoor for sleeping. Outdoor for bathing, sexual relations, football, and pretty much everything else.
- Ever in quarrel with your sisters?
- All the time, over whether they're real or not.
- Do you have a cellphone?
- I don't really know. Everything just kinda seems to work out for me.
- How long is your commute to school?
- Half the time, when I wake up, I'm already at the school. I don't really know.
- Do you have more friends than most?
- How many friends do most people have? I don't think I've made any meaningful contact with anyone since my last friends turned out to be figments of my imagination.
- Your favourite sports?
- Doesn't this go without saying? Football!
- How good can you cook?
- I use a microwave for half of my daily chores, does that answer your question?
- Favourite colours?
- Anything you can never forgive?
- How tall are you?
- Shoe size?
- Your dreams?
- Do you have any marriage desires?
- Do you dislike hot drinks?
- Do you like bitter coffee?
- Bed time?
- Wake up time? .
- When you sleep, are you a bed person or futon person?
- Are you confident in your ability to concentrate?
- Do you have any tips on losing weight?
- Between warm soba and chilled soba, which do you like?
- Tell us which arm is your dominant arm.
- Tell us about something lucky that's happened lately.
- Tell us about something unlucky that's happened lately.
- What's the name of your school anthem?
- What's your favourite flower?
- What's your favourite saying?
- What's your favourite four kanji phrase?
- What comes to mind when you think about spring?
- And summer?
- What about fall?
- And then the winter?
- If you had a time machine, where would you go?
- Do you like reading manga or short stories more?
- What's your allowance?
- Tell us something a lot of people say about you.
- What are your hobbies?
- Tell us your weight.
- What are you capable of?
- What do you wear when you go to bed?
- Has anyone ever asked you out?
- If I told you the world would end tomorrow, what would you do?
- Tell us about your daily routine.
- What is something you always carry with you?
- Western food? Japanese food?
- How do you commute to school?
- What's the last thing you do before going to bed at night?
- What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?
- Where are you living right now?
- What kind of place is it?
- What's the most interesting thing that's happened to you so far?
- What's the saddest thing that's happened to you?
- Do you like roller coasters?
- How's your eyesight?
- What's your favourite holiday?
- What job do you have in school?
- What do you do in your freetime?
- How long do you study every day?
- Who of your friends can you rely on to give you advice? To give advice?
- What do you do on the weekends?
- If you could be reincarnated, what would you want to be?
- Are the school rules really strict?
- What do you have for lunch at school? A bento? The school lunch?
- How many friends do you have?
- Do you take any detours when you go home?
- Are you interested in any actors?
- What are your thoughts on the Q&A session?
- If Craig had a voice actor, it would be H. Jon Benjamin.
- Craig is a medical oddity. If anyone else had been through what he had, they would have kicked the bucket long ago.
- Because of this, many students refer to him as 'It' with varying amounts of quotation marks for varying amounts of confusion.